Topic: Real Life

Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #104, Winter 2004.
?Have you ever wondered why I have long hair??

?No. Lots of people have long hair.?

?Have you ever wondered why I have my ears pierced??

?No. Lots of guys have their ears pierced. What the hell are you getting at??

?Pete, are you going to tell me you?re gay? Get on with it already; it?s no big deal!? This from a second friend.

?Do you know what gender identity is??

?Yeah. I saw it on Oprah a while back.?

?Well, what is it, then??

?Well, ah, well, it?s how you see yourself, as a male or female?you know, like I identify myself as female and you, well, you identify yourself as male.?

?Well, that?s what I?m dealing with. Gender identity.?

Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #105, Spring 2004.

by Allana Allen


I arrived in Provincetown on Sunday, the first day of Fantasia Fair, and couldn?t even bring myself to walk into the inn where I had reserved my room, even though I was in boy clothes. I was so scared I drove past the inn twice and eventually parked in a public lot so I could walk around the town to go CD spotting before I could decide whether I had the nerve to try it myself. Either there were no other crossdressers in Provincetown that day, or they were so passable I certainly wouldn?t fit in.

Disheartened, with tears welling in my eyes, I walked back to the car, where I sat for a very long time, trying to decide what to do. I had all but decided to forget this silly fantasy and make the three-hour drive back home when it came to me that the worst-case scenario was that I could simply check into my room and spend a pleasant week in this lovely little tourist town on Cape Cod?as a man. It took me more than two hours before I had enough nerve just to check in.

Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #105, Spring 2004.

Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #105, Spring 2004.

by Melissa Clark

Okay, so I?ve read the biographies, the autobiographies, the novels, and the revelatory nonfiction pieces that define what we are. They tell us that gender and sexual orientation are not necessarily the same thing; in fact, they go way out of their way to emphasize exactly that point. The problem, then, is not in defining our gender or how we feel the need to express it, but rather how expressing our gender impacts the rest of our lives. For example, I?m a transsexual woman, male-to-female, and I?ve heard a box full of theories on why it is I ?chose? to transition. They range from, ?Didn?t you just want to be with a man?? to ?You did this to embarrass us? (?us? being my family of origin, from whom I have not heard a word in nearly a year). The answer to each of those is ?No!??but that hardly addresses the clouded notion of why transpeople do what we do. The National Enquirer?s ?Inquiring minds want to know? motto may be a bit overrated, but in this case, perhaps it?s exactly what needs to be addressed to simply answer the question. Without sounding like every other attempt to describe one?s own situation, my journey began with the difficult attempt to understand why, if I was sexually attracted to women, I felt the need to express myself as a woman. When I finally reached the point in my life where I thought I needed to figure that one out or lose what little sanity I had, I was already struggling with my marriage. Why not? My wife had expected to marry a male and was accustomed to male behavior and simply couldn?t understand why I was so different from her expectations. Neither could I, but I had no idea what to expect from a male, either. There were things ?guys did.? I tried to do those things, enjoy those things, but often felt as baffled as Nathan Lane and Robin Williams did in the scene from ?Birdcage,? when they were trying to discuss the Dolphins. Yet I understood and actually appreciated the concept of sports. It was the other parts of being a guy and the enjoyment of white male privilege that confused me?for I?d always been a feminist, even before I fully realized why being a feminist made survival sense to me personally, as well as good sense to women in general.

Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #105, Spring 2004.

by Kathleen L. Farrell, Ph.D.


It has been more than two months since I experienced one of my most embarrassing moments as a therapist, and the memory still stings. In group therapy, I made the mistake of using the wrong pronoun. Strangely, I didn?t hear myself do it, but I noticed her retreat. Since it was her first time in the group, after trying unsuccessfully to pull her into the discussion, I decided it was related to a low comfort level and let it go.

After the meeting, she asked to speak to me. She seemed angry. I was tired after a long day, but I tried to listen. Despite years of experience in dealing with every kind of emotion aimed at me, including anger and disappointment, I felt myself become defensive. At first I couldn?t believe I had used ?him? instead of ?her.? I was in denial. I said, ?Are you sure that was what you heard? I am extremely sensitive to this issue. I don?t think of you as male. I think of you as female.?