A Mother?s Journey
by Tina M.
This Story Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #112, Summer 2007.
In 1997 at the age of 47, when my arms were no longer long enough to assist me in being able to see up close anymore, I broke down and bought my first set of ?cheaters.? Since that time, I, like many others my age, depend on these assistive devices to be able to see up close. I hate this fact, and often wish that there would be a way, short of surgery,to be able to see clearly again without these annoying glasses perched on my nose.Not long ago, I came across an interesting piece of information that basically said that when we start losing vision, it is because we are literally ?refusing to see something that is happening right in front of our eyes.? I thought back to 1997 to see if in fact there were any issues that I was not seeing clearly.

At the time, I was working full time as a Nurse Manager at a job I loved. I had also gone back to school part time to earn a Bachelor?s Degree in Nursing. I was happily married, and had two sons, ages 15 and 12. I had good friends, nice neighbors and family supports. We were all healthy, and although life was busy, things seemed fine. So I later asked myself, what was I missing back then?

I was laid off from my job later in the year, as the hospital was forced to restructure, and the unit that I managed closed. Although sad, this was not the end of the world for me. Nurses can usually find employment, and within a short time, I had secured another nursing position, and had moved on. I eventually graduated with my degree, and returned to a management position that I currently hold today. The glasses remain a necessary part of my life. Most people would just accept this and move on, but as a psychiatric nurse, I am acutely aware of the body-mind connection, and I strongly believe that many physical problems have emotional drivers, so to speak. So I remained determined to go back to 1997 and solve the mystery as to what I was ?not seeing clearly? back when my vision took a downward spiral. This story is about what I now realize, 10 years later, was what I was not seeing with clarity.

My first child Michael came into this world with high energy and a real vigor for living. He had a lively personality and an eagerness to jump right in to life. He excelled in school and sports and relationships. It was hard not to become enraptured by this child, who could impress almost everyone. Parent Teachers conferences became routine, as we would hear the teachers sing Mike?s praises, over and over. There was no doubt that this kid would not live up to his full potential. His vision was clear, and as he graduated from a prestigious university, he shot out of the gate with confidence and enthusiasm for taking on the world.

We raised our children the same way. We tried as parents to stress what we saw as important: respect for self and others, importance of God, family, relationships, a good education. I made sure they had a solid religious foundation, took them to church weekly, said grace at the dinner table as we ate as a family each evening. We did things as a family often, and appeared very much the normal intact typical family.

My younger son did not follow in the steps of his older brother. Not only did they look like they were from different families, physical opposites in every way, Dave was also different in personality. Never drawn to sports or rough and tumble activities, he was a sweet child, extremely lovable and funny, a beautiful spirit that tended to be more inward and soft, unlike his brother who was so outward and intense. He was a gentle kid who loved magic and fantasy. I knew enough to understand that every child is different, and I knew this about my two sons as well. I enjoyed their differences. In fact there were times when I joked, ?I asked God to give me one of each, but I meant a boy and a girl, I guess He didn?t quite get it!? At the time, I just did not realize how very different they were.

In 1997, at the age of 12, Dave began having academic difficulties. This took me by surprise, because he was very bright, and a quick learner, and had thus shown himself to be a good student, so I could not understand why he would be having trouble with things likes reading and math. School started becoming stressful for him, as did getting homework completed. Something was shifting. His easy going spirit seemed troubled at times. He started distancing himself from friends he had previously hung out with, a pattern that continued over the next several years. He started going inward. As mothers, we automatically know when something is ?off? with our kids. We may not be able to define it with words; we just have a keen awareness to be on alert. This is our basic maternal human nature.

And thus began the journey to figure out what was going on with Dave. We hired a tutor. We spent money, lots of it, at a specialized learning center that he cried going to. When things did not improve, we did what many parents do, and tried to find out if perhaps there was an underlying learning difficulty. We had him tested for ADD, and when the testing came back in the positive, we started him on medication which seemed to work to decrease the distractibility. And when the grades significantly improved, I was elieved. I thought, ?OK, I can handle this. A lot of kids have this, and can be treated both with medication and with learning ways to organize behavior. We?re over this hurdle, and now my kid should be happier.?