Originally appeared in Transgender Tapestry #105, Spring 2004.
either or
by julia serano

it should have been no big deal really
just another saturday night in some bar
some guy flirting with some girl
and she wasn?t even interested in him
and it should have been no big deal

except that i was the girl
and the guy was the first straight boy
who ever took an interest in me
in the past
other men had hit on me
but only the ones who like their girls
to be boy underneath
but months of hormone replacement therapy
erased most traces of my maleness
so much so that this straight boy
didn?t think twice before flirting with me

and it took me by surprise
we talked for a while
before he gently touched the side of my arm
and smiled
and my brain went wild
with a million thoughts
set off like fireworks
like my life flashing before my eyes
years of potions and spells
crossdressing rituals
designed to conjure up the girl in me
just so i could catch a glimpse of her reflection
in a bathroom mirror
or store front window

and i wasn?t even into this boy
but he made me blush
his flirts felt like hard won accomplishments
years of suffering and sacrifice all paid off
all because some random guy saw a real girl
when he looked into my eyes

our language doesn?t have the words to describe it
this is the sort of thing that ordinarily gets taken for granted
from the moment the doctor announces
?it?s a girl? or ?it?s a boy?
most people?s gender is written in granite
but my gender
is more like a carrot on a stick
it?s always dangling right in front of me

because i may pass as a woman
but i have a male past
that runs thirty-some years deep
and it?s full
of memories that i don?t regret
secrets that i shouldn?t have to keep
and every time i meet
a stranger who turns into a friend
it?s only a matter of time
before i find myself telling them
and i?ve seen that look hundred of times
when what i am changes in someone else?s eyes
and they always act nonchalant and polite
but from that point on
they can?t help but see the boy in me
and i?m no longer quite the girl i used to be

my gender
is a boulder that i roll up a hill each day
only to have it come crashing back down on me

that?s why it?s so tempting for me
to just lose myself
in those rare moments
of absolute authenticity
like when that straight boy flirted with me
because a part of me wants so desperately
to be one hundred percent female
yet somehow
the burden of a million sins of omission
seems like too high of a price to pay
for the privilege of merely blending in

i know what the real problem is
gender is exclusive
it?s always either or
and i guess that makes my gender
none of the above
because my gender
is the answer to a trick question
it?s like that optical illusion where you see
either a vase
or two faces
but you can?t see them both at once
my gender
is more than the sum of my anatomical parts
and you can insist on seeing me
as either female or male
that?s up to you to decide
and if you still don?t get what i?m trying to say
well that?s okay
my gender
takes more than three minutes to describe